Were you working before the baby? Do you plan to return to work?
Mr. Handsome and I have thoroughly enjoyed reading the questions that you submitted via my “Ask Ellie 3.0” post. Some of our responses will be shared via video and others through written posts. This weekend, we filmed a video discussing my career choices (see question in bold above). Check out the video below, and then feel free to share your thoughts on the subject of staying home with children vs. working outside the home.
For more details on my job offer from the FBI, which is mentioned in this video, click here to read my post from July 2016.
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I have 6 children. The oldest is 8, so I’ve been a stay at home mom for like 9 years. When I was pregnant with her at the beginning I quit my job. I had a lot of complications and she was a preemie. I also homeschool. I believe being a stay at home mom and homeschooling is a calling from God. Neither are easy, but knowing how worthwhile both are it helps in the difficult days. I am truly blessed to be able to stay home and take care of my children and home. Not everyone gets that opportunity. Not everyone can stay home and not everyone wants to. God’s plan is not the same for everyone. What matters is what works best for each family.
‘adblocker here’ – just out of curiosity, what capacity of the fbi were you interviewing for? my dil is trying to become a detective
(not going to lie, if it hadnt been for bones on netflix, i would have no idea how many different jobs there are that one doesnt think about!)
Hi Darlene,
LOL I haven’t seen Bones. Is it a good show? Most employees at the FBI start in the same place, working an office job as an analyst. Then from there, you are able to work for different promotions.
Ellie
thanks for replying ellie! that sounds cool. my dil is into the crime scene part of it. (yeah, i’m so sure i couldn’t handle that myself!) that’s how i started watching bones, so i could see what she meant she wanted to do. it’s a detective/crime show and the 2 main characters are such complete opposites that it’s funny. i was hesitant at first because i dont do gory but it wasn’t as bad as some shows i’ve seen that way! i was sorry it ended because it was actually quite informative and, i really learned a lot!
Sounds interesting! I’ll have to look into it. I don’t like gory shows either, LOL.
You are doing the most important job in the world! 24/7. I am a public school employee and unfortunately see the results of parents that don’t care or don’t teach their children much of anything. Just leave it to the school. There are also a lot of well-mannered children, also. Very refreshing. I was able to stay home with mine for only 4 yrs. but I was fortunate enough to have my Moma keep them when I went back to work. You’re doing a great job!
I stayed at home with mine for 10 years, then worked in the school system to be on their schedule. My oldest is now 19 in college, and my youngest will be a senior next year. I’m telling you, it goes SO fast. I didn’t miss a moment and am so glad. For any financial or other sacrifices you may make, it’s wirth every single one.
I worked for the 1st year and half of my son’s life because I had too so we could buy a house, and I was lucky enough to live around family who watched him for us, so we didn’t have to pay for child care. Once we bought our house away from family my husband and I talked about and figured out that I would need to make just as much if not more than him just to pay for child care. So we said why should I work at a job I’m probably not going to like, just to pay for child care and not get to see our son grow up and help with his development. I love being a stay at home mom and couldn’t imagine anything else. Once we are done having kids and they are in school we will look at me going back to work. I will admit that at times it would be nice to have some extra money but you can’t get these years back, and since I have been a stay at home mom there has been a huge jump in our son’s development, both our families say it and so does his pediatrician.
How neat about the FBI job, Ellie! I did not know about that job offer before now.
I worked as an administrative assistant up until we had our first child. I chose to quit work to raise our children and home school. I wanted to be the one to impact my children,to teach them about God, to grow them into their personalities and desires long before I married. However, I do work part time from home in the evenings for some adult time and something to keep my mind active (as if teaching 3 grades at once doesn’t do that. lol.)
I’m a working momma. I never wanted to be at all. It’s a reality in my life so I choose education and a career that I love. I’m very lucky that I get to do something I love. Also it’s the best feeling when he runs to me when I pick him up from child care at the end of the day. We say our daily prayers in the car on the way home. These sweet moments help to reassure me in my choice that I can work and still have a great relationship with my kiddo. It so hard to ever know what the “right” choice is. You just have to listen to god when he talks. To all the Mommas just want to say your doing great!!! We are in this journey together!
Sounds like you’re doing a great job, Christine! Every family has a different story and a different situation. That must be such a sweet time at the end of each day when you are reunited with your son.
Ellie
I always think it is sad when the husband does not get a chance to get a word in.
What do you mean? What situations are you referring to?
I think every family decision should be taken together, but for those that concern specifically one person, like his or her job, it’s that person’s opinion and feelings that should guide the decision. Of course if you’re married you’re probably going to have the same vision and plan for your life, so there shouldn’t be conflict. If your opinions on huge life choices are opposite, well, then why are you married? 😉 That being said, your job should make you happy first and your husband’s job should make him happy first.
Me too! I’m glad Ellie and her hubby work on their issues together. They look so happy for doing so, from all of their posts over time. Great point. Glad you pointed it out. Blessings to you!
Hi Ellie and Mr handsome. Hope your all well. My dream should I have children in the future is to be a stay at home mom. I feel it’s such a blessing and joy to be there for your children.
I consider being a SAHM my career and I agree with Anon at 3:07 that it is the most important job in the world. My girls are now grown but I still enjoy being a keeper at home. This is where I know God wants me to be. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
What does being a keeper at home actually mean?
I was working for the CIA as a Russia analyst when I realized that I wanted kids AND wanted to stay at home with them. So that’s what I did. Some at work were supportive and some were not. I did it for 25 years and it was the best decision I ever made. My kids tell me they appreciate that I was home for them. And it made home life not quite as chaotic as it would have been if I had continued my work outside the home. Dad could come home and just be with the kids without worrying so much about what had to be done around the house. It meant A LOT of economic sacrifices but it was sooo worth it.
Very neat! Did you consider going back to the CIA when your kids were grown?
No, I did not consider going back to the CIA. I basically realized I had chosen the wrong profession. I didn’t like being glued to a computer reading and writing all day. I’m more of a people person and like to be more active.
I am so glad you are able to be a stay at home mom. I did not have that option. I am blessed, however, with an employer who has always placed family first and has been very flexible. It was nice when our children were home. My husband works in manufacturing, 12 hours shifts, four weeks of day shift and four weeks of night shift. Although my children are now college graduates and adults, it is a blessing to have flexibility because my elderly parents are both in long term care. My sister and I are their only children and emergencies come up and we need each other, too.
I cannot believe you turned down such an amazing job offer to get married!
Job offers come and go. Family is forever!
No, job offers don’t come and go. Either you take them or you lose them.
Why? She wanted to get married.
I mean, theoretically she could have gotten married and moved to Washington with her husband, so she probably didn’t like some aspects of the job.
Their are good mothers that stay home and good mothers who work outside the home. Jane
Totally agree!
Obviously. Though I don’t think the matter here is about who’s best.
Hi Jane, I so agree with your comment and Ellie’s that every family has a different story and a different situation. There is no one correct answer. We all do our best and love our children so much. We all set out to do the very best we can. There is so much we do not have control over in raising children and mothers need support, acceptance and encouragement. Looking back now as a woman with grown children, I would like to say to new moms trust yourself, listen to your own heart and child, love your children, give them your time to the best you can, and know that God sees in your heart what your intentions and desires are as a mom even on days that do not go so well. You are a great mom no matter what. Eileen
I work part time and I think it’s the best of both worlds! I love going to the office and doing my job at home when I can, and I also love being with my 1 year old.
I’m not going to watch the video or weigh in on the subject because it’s a tired old topic with no right answer that fits any one woman.
I hope you do not an educate people if you have an attitude like that. Each person in each generation is completely ignorant. They know nothing. To say a topic is tired and old may reflect who you are. It does not reflect a fresh generation that faces for the first time all of the learning and decision making and effort that goes into taking on life. I’m excited about every single one of Ellie’s blogs. They are all about a young couple living, which makes a really neat reality blog!
Just because the mom devotes herself to her children does not mean they will behave a certain way. It will help make a positive difference. But the children are going to go through stuff and have growing pains. Hopefully if they get out of God’s will they get back into it. I like Michelle Duggar’s disciplined manner. She really used her role to guide her children to the development of their potential. She has vision and is unselfish and incredibly constant in bringing up her children in every area. She is inspirational and challenging. I’m sure that Ellie must look to the moms in the generation before her for a sense of what to do and how to do it and to get her bearings, orientation, and to pace herself. A person can get lost in the various feelings, demands, bonds, ideas, etc of parenting. Stay at home moms are even more suseptible to the oddities and trippy tangents of parenting. There’s some ditches and or roads a family doesn’t want to go down and some you definitely do. The Duggars have done great with their smiles, musicality and religious practise, living good, decent, principled lives. We are all learning from their examples, books and shows, etc. Still I think relying on the public system without investing ones own heart and soul is a mistake because the direction and love come from a vibrant love for and relationship with the Living God. Without that the system disappoints, it just can’t be our all. Worse it could damn if we buy into anything and everything it offers up for human consumption that is not worthy and not Godly. These are the last days before the return of Jesus for His Church and the priority and focus of our lives needs to be our relationship with the Christian Church as a term meaning salvation from our saviour Jesus etc.
Is it really a good role model- though- a person that isn’t pursuing a goal?
I always saw having a job and giving your best at it as one of the best way to show your children what commitment is, to teach work ethic and responsibility in the society, to teach how to deal with people that aren’t part of your family.
They can learn all that though volunteering, traveling, community outreach and talking to other mothers. Why has we everything got to be about goals and me me?
Ehm… If you don’t have goals in life, whatever they may be, where are you gonna go?
Working and having a life isn’t “me me”, it’s “let’s see what I can do for society and how could I build a life for myself”.
Why do you always say ‘neat’ instead of nice? Neat means tidy, so everytime i see you use the word neat, i automatically read tidy…
In some regions it means nice. Broaden your horizons, just because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean someone else is saying it wrong.
Why soo angry please be nice if someone has a question.
I was wondering that too.. 🙂 Neat means tidy… It must be a regional expression, like when the Duggars say “whenever” instead of “when”.
we did it both ways. i was working when i got pregnant and had no choice but to return to work for the insurance coverage. my husband worked 3 different jobs and was very flexible, but had no insurance, so he got to be a sometime-stay-at-home-dad, which he thoroughly loved! he was the one who interviewed sitters, doctors, schools, etc, and then when he narrowed it down, would have me meet them and we would decide together. the kids were in a small school that used the abeka program until 9/11 when we lost 3/4 of our income (and insurance) and couldn’t afford it. at that point we had no choice but to home school. i really didn’t have much help as it wasn’t very popular here yet. the abeka program is way ahead of the public schools here so i went online and found comparable info in another state and used their guidelines so my kids would stay on track. it took me a good year of working at it daily to finally get a system down that worked for us. we joked i was the teacher and daddy the principal and substitute teacher when i had laryngitis lol. the kids didn’t miss out on anything because there was always something to do locally and we were always involved with them. at the rec center, one son loved fencing, the other basketball. they played soccer and baseball (and our daughter played softball) in our local little league, where we came to know other parents who were also home schooling. (can you believe 4 kids just on one team!!) i then learned to use our local library for a lot of things. minimum time here is 3 hours a day for homeschooling and for the most part, our time was our own. the kids knew all school work was to be done before ‘play’, which included sports, and yes, lol, each one tried me and each one sat on the bleachers finishing before they could go in the game, even if my husband was coaching. by the time each was ready for high school, they wanted to go to the local one and we were ok with that. (those teachers are a lot smarter and more qualified than i am!) we were still involved with them and their school
i didn’t have a lot of faith in my ability to teach but my husband was convinced that i could do it. (he was always my biggest supporter!) i kept their days off the same as the schools here so they could be on the same schedule as their friends and they felt they were afforded more luxuries! we even went out to celebrate the red sox winning the world series in 2004, immediately after the game, and didn’t have to worry about getting up early! i’m glad i had the opportunity to have it both ways, and that my husband did too! not as many men are afforded that opportunity unfortunately.
(btw, my sil just went back to work after being a stay-at-home-dad to a 4 y/o & almost 2 y/o and now has a new appreciation and respect for stay-at-home parents lol)
Out of curiosity, why did you lose your income and insurance after 9/11?
If it’s not too personal.
I chose to be a stay SAHM when my son was born 30 years ago. The twins came a few years later. While they were in school I was too as I volunteered at all of their schools from kindergarten to graduation. The are adults, one working in the travel industry, one is an oncology nurse and one gets her masters next month and got a job offer yesterday as a child life specialist! I am very lucky and wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve created a new life now that the kids are grown so I’m not bored, because people said I would be. My dogs are therapy dogs so we go to schools, nursing homes, and hospitals. Any place we can bring joy and happiness.
I’m currently a SAHM, but I have every intention of going back to work part-time when my little one is old enough for school. I finished my MA in Education 2 years ago, and I intend to use it!
I think this is a much more polarised debate in America. In the UK, women can take about a year of paid maternity leave (or they can split it with their husbands e.g. both can take 6 months). I have had a year off which each baby and then I go back part time. The American system seems to be WORK or HOME. If I’d had to choose between leaving my babies at 3 months or staying home, I’d have stayed home. Luckily, we have a more enlightened system!!! My husband actually took 3 months of work with one of the babies as I had a work project. I think it helped him bond, get even more hand on and made him see that staying home is hard!
I agree that the polarization it’s an American idea. Also, being a stay at home mu is more of an american idea. In Europe when mums don’t work it’s usually a (disliked by most) result of not having good policies in a country’s work system. All women want to work, because we all have aspirations and that’s the normal thing to do.
Even homeschooling is a very American thing. In Europe only child actors do it, because they can’t be in class because of their schedule, but otherwise we trust professionals with our children’s education. This isn’t to say that it’s perfect, but you would want the best for your children, not some diy thing, right?
No offense intended, European Girl, but that sounds a leeetle close minded.
Homeschooling is not the cultural phenomenon in the UK/ Europe that it is in the US. I’m sure it has many advantages but can’t imagine teaching my children myself because I don’t know enough! I’m sure I could handle primary really well but once they were in secondary school my subject knowledge would not be deep enough. I am pretty well educated (I’m an oxford educated lawyer with multiple degrees) but one person can’t know everything. I want my children to be really well educated and – to my mind- that requires specialist teaching.
That being said, I’m sure there are workarounds!
Exactly, MarriedUK. In Europe we value education more, I guess.
I am a stay at home mom from Norway. Have 6 kids age 14 to 1. My kids in school age attend a Christian private school. I can not imagine how people can manage homeschooling. I guess it is easier when there is a culture for doing it, but never make people thing they are out of Gods will of they do not home school. I am a conservative Christian but I do think there is a danger to think we have to isolate our kids from the rest of the world. There is an important balance here. Search God and find wisdom, he knows the path for each of us. Bless you all moms, and be the one God has created you to be, not who you are told to be. With love.
I have been a nurse for 39 years. I have 2 adult children. I have always worked. For me it is a life calling. It is as much a part of me as my skin. I have been fortunate to have been able to work out a schedule that did not involve day care. It was me or husband all the time. I lost sleep some times. But all has worked out well. I don’t regret my choice. It’s a personal calling. As. Mothers we have to figure it out. I respect motherhood either way sahm or working outside the home mom. Both are working mothers.
I respect all choices, but I think that working is essential for women just as much as it is for men. For many reasons:
– having your own activity and interests: you’re not just a wife or just a mother, you are your own person with interests, goals and hopefully a need for social interaction, like anybody else; 🙂
– financial independency: this is so important, not just in case anything happens to your husband, but to be able to stand on your own feet as an adult, to be free, to have your pension when you retire. I read an article recently about Sweden and how the help fathers take proper paternity leaves, so that the responsibility for children is more shared between both parents. They think that love is true only when it’s free: when both persons actively choose to be together every day, and that is not possible when one is financially dependent on the other; I found it very interesting;
– Caring for children is as much the father’s responsibility as it is the mother’s;
– contributing to society: as an adult, unless you have an illness, it’s normal to work and to contribute to society and take part in the life of your society. 🙂
– to show children that work ethic is important, and that accomplishing hard tasks is possible, if you work hard.
I do think though that there are cultural differences between countries that can make your perspective different. Here in Europe for example homeschooling is not a thing, no one does it except for child actors. Even children with problems or special needs go to private schools instead of staying at home. I have to admit that I don’t understand very well the principle of homeschooling. In school you study tons of different subjects: language and literature, history, foreign languages, geography, math, science, physics, philosophy, history of art, latin and greek sometimes, p.e…. How can a parent possibly offer all of that to their children. In school you have teachers that are specialized in one or two subjects, so you’re sure that your children get a high level education. To all the homeschooling parents: what do you think about that?
Hi Laura! 🙂 I’m a homeschool mom, so here’s my answer to your question. There are so very many wonderful and important things for a child to learn, but the reality is: while it’s great to be exposed to a wide variety of opportunities and subjects, very few people excel in all. And some things that a child would like to pursue may not be covered thoroughly in the “typical” education. One beautiful thing about homeschooling is that it gives an opportunity to follow the natural gifts of each child, and customize their education to their needs (giving more attention to an area of struggle) or interests. If a child is interested in engineering, or nursing, or veterinary science, dad and mom can customize their education and give them plenty of preparation in that area. A homeschooled child has the freedom to do dual enrollment if they are ahead in their studies, and begin college classes while in high school. Several of my husband’s siblings have done this and it has allowed them to pursue their dreams and opened many doors sooner than if they would have been stuck to the traditional school “schedule”. One of them earned a masters degree and was a professor overseas by age 22.
The teacher/student ratio in the homeschool setting is undeniably better. A loving mom and dad who have been in that child’s life for their whole life are very committed to seeing that child succeed in education and life; and because they know that child’s “whole story” and their unique complexities, they are equipped to help the child in a comprehensive way no professional could do.
In a homeschool setting, the grade levels can also be adjusted more easily than in traditional school. One of my sons is technically in first grade, but he’s flying through his work and comprehending it, so he’s doing 2nd-4th grade courses in every subject. It’s entirely possible that at some point he will slow down and come back to his technical grade level, but it’s also possible that he will maintain this pace. If he needs to slow down, we can absolutely do that, and if he continues to learn faster than the average I can tailor his education to fit that. It will have no impact on his friends because he won’t be transitioning to and from different classes depending on how fast or slow he learns, and he won’t need to be held back from material on his level just because “he’s not in that grade yet.”
I do not claim to be an expert in all the areas my children are studying, but there are wonderful homeschool co ops where kids can take a class once or twice a week to cover some of the things I cannot teach them. There is also an unbelievable amount of curriculum options available, many online or on dvd, with incredible teachers who are experienced and experts in what they are teaching. My sister in law is taking online courses in high school and has interaction and feedback from her teachers. She is hoping to enter the medical field and her courses are specifically chosen to help her toward that goal. At her rate, she will finish her education and can begin her practice way sooner than if she was in “traditional school”. Homeschooling also gives us the flexibility to pursue private lessons for our children in music and art. Our children aren’t bound to the “normal” classes that “everyone” takes. (But in case you fear that means we are slacking, rest assured there are requirements we must meet and certain things that are non negotiable. We are accountable to our local school district, are under the supervision of a certified teacher, and are required to do standardized testing.)
I forgot to add though that even though in my countries being a sahm isn’t really a thing, if given the possibility some mums choose to stay at home for a full year or more. In the region where I live, women who work in the public system can stay home up to 3 years for each baby.
I appreciate though when good paternity leaves are offered to men as well. It helps to balance the responsibilities and in some families fathers might be the ones with more interest in staying at home with the children. Or maybe mums are the ones with the biggest career.
I think you are rejecting the fact that men and women are biologically different and a mother’s love for a child is different from a father’s There is actually a low take up rate of paternity leave in the UK.
Personally if a woman now needs to be fulfilled in working and having her own pay cheque, it is because it has been rammed down our throats enough time to such an extent that SAHM are seen as pariahs.
I believe in doing what’s best for your child and sticking them with s bunch of strangers five days a week whilst you pursue more money is not it.
And what if those strangers become friends?
That’s one of the main reasons why school is important.
Those “strangers” may become “friends”, but in a year or a few years they typically move are no longer in that child’s life. I realize there are exceptions, but they are EXCEPTIONS, not the rule. In a loving family, nobody is more interested in the success and future of the child, and nobody loves the child as much as the parents. THAT is what qualifies mom and dad to be the primary educators. There are good, loving teachers who invest in their kids, but there are also sub par teachers who are simply teaching to earn a paycheck. And teachers who unfortunately cause a great deal of harm to a child’s spirit. It’s not worth the risk in my opinion. Nobody wants their child to be well educated but a jerk, or to have a wounded spirit. Mom and dad are a part of the child’s life from day one and know the child’s WHOLE STORY. Mom and dad love that child enough to do hard things, to train in character, to sacrifice and fight for him or her….. way more that the teacher who has a classroom or classrooms full of new students each year and can’t possibly stay connected to each of them.
Ellie!!!! Your baby has such cute feet, I am sooo happy little h is doing great, and I can tell U are doing a great job!!!!! Love U 3!!!!
Thank you, Justine. 🙂