Hello readers! Based on questions we have received and discussions that have been sparked on the blog, we decided to share a few marriage thoughts via video (embedded below). Feel free to share your responses as comments.
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Marriage and Compromise
Comprise in any type of relationship is a must. My husband works 12 plus days at a time and when he is home he doesn’t want to do much but he makes it a point to take me and our son out of the house at least once while he is home so we get out of the house as to me when he is home I want to go out as much as possible because I don’t like going out by myself but I’m just as happy going out once a week with him. One of the things I love about you my husband is that we are similar in small ways but different is more ways, which makes are relationship exciting and opens me to new experiences.
That was a good blog because Mr H. was willingly chatting and Ellie is always chatting too. It was a good chat! You both seem like pure hearts, devoted to a loving marriage and being parents. Thats ideal.
Nice peek at cute Mr H. Jr too!
Thank you for sharing. My husband Tim and I have pretty much done the same thing. He loves custom car shows which when I met him I didn’t like. Now I really enjoy them but I don’t go very often so he will go with his guy friends. Like Mr. H Tim doesnt like Hallmark movies but he will watch some of the mystery movies. We don’t have cable but we have Netflix so I get to watch When Calls the Heart. Tim will sometimes watch it with me. He’s not a huge fan but he’s slowly getting into the show and will ask questions.
Mr H enjoys the Hallmark mystery movies, as well. Sometimes he pokes fun at them because they can be so predictable, though, which is true. LOL That’s sweet that Tim also watches When Calls the Heart. Have you seen all the episodes thus far? I think the season comes back next week.
Ellie
Netflix just put up season 5. It seemed to take forever. I had to check the Hallmark Channel website to make sure it wasn’t canceled. Almost saw spoilers by doing that.
Wish Netflix wasn’t so slow. I’ll make sure not to share any spoilers! Do you have any other shows that you enjoy, Regina?
Ellie
I love old classic shows such as Dick Van Dyke, Andy Griffith and The Lucy Show and the old British series called The Avengers.
I haven’t heard of the avengers. What’s it about?
Ellie and Mr. H, all marriages are different. If this works for you and makes you happy, than there’s nothing to fix. May I ask how many TV’s you have in your home.
Yep, we have 1 TV. It’s about 10 years old and pretty small and far from the couches the way our living room has to be set up, so we have considered upgrading, but the picture quality is still good, so we can’t bring ourselves to spend the money.
Ellie
I have a very old vacuum cleaner that still works. And I think the same as this commenter about replacing it!
And your old vacuum is probably made better than the modern ones!
That was a great blog, thank-you for so generously sharing. I liked Mr H. heartfelt idealistic beginning. And it was notable that Ellie later introduced the idea of how to be if your partner was less than ideal. Both actually are key points. An anxious, clingy partner who escalates any lapse in the “lovin”, could have the opposite effect of creating anger and arguments about love!
So here is a link to a true story that was made into a movie….
https://youtu.be/4lS1Uifr8Z4
(The preservation of that old movie could be better.)
Also that story has been made into other movies on YouTube, , eg ‘Driven to Perfection’. I came across this story there, on Valentines Day this year, and ironically that couple married on Valentine’s Day and the courts’ judgment finished on a Valentine’s Day. I think I was meant to watch this on Valentine’s Day!
Also, Jill Cooper in her ‘Penny Pinching Mama’ series on YouTube explains she was forced to face the reality of having to make a relationship critical judgment, about her husband no longer being emotionally available to her, and moved out from her married state, ultimately to permanent separation /divorce. But she did it kindly, efficiently and non destructively. A partner not participating whole heartedly and fully in the marriage is not insignificant, it is an essentially an end to the vitality of the good relationship. How the ignored partner responds is also an important matter. That happened to me, at first I escalated it alot. But, the internet and watching videos taught me to not keep torturing myself by trying to be with my husband who was gone emotionally to me and then completely physically. Gone, out of the picture in total. I have let go and there are still two corners to me and my spiritual relationship geometry, not three, and definitely not (a suspected) four anymore!!! Anyways….thanks for the discussion. I like your blog, it is always good!
I disagree with you about trying to like your spouse’s hobbies or participate in them, even if they’re not your favorite. Why do you both have to do the same things? My husband & I have completely different hobbies. His are outdoor, mine are indoor. We never do those things together. Why would you want someone who’s not enthusiastic being there with you to change the dynamics of what you usually enjoy doing by yourself? We even vacation separately, because he enjoys quiet wilderness trips and I want to go somewhere that’s busy and bustling. I’d be such a grouch if you put me in a tent, and he’d be miserable in a noisy city! It’s just not genuine to pretend to like what the other person likes, or to force yourself to do that. It can create resentment and ruin everything. Take some time to pursue your own interests, and you’ll be a happier person all around. BTW, we’ve been married 40 years longer than you have and consider ourselves very happy, so we must be doing something right.
What about marrying, two becoming one, no longer two but one? I’d think there should be some merging, some becoming oneness.
That was a little bit… immature.
I don’t think anyone needs to pretend to like their spouses hobbies, but we need to appreciate their interest for it and respect them doing it. If your spouse is excited about something then it is our job to care at least somewhat about it and support it which may include occasional participation in it. When couples do everything separate they risk drifting apart. Of course this is not the case for you. But in general compatibility is a process created by the couple.
So sad…vacation separately also!? I can’t imagine that at all…vacation is what we look forward to so much to be with each other and finally take time (undivided time) for each other that I CANT WAIT till we can go on a little getaway together 😁
What if people are retired and all they do is spend time together? Vacationing separately could be a nice break. I wouldn’t knock something that works for someone else. Plus when a woman takes her whole family on vacation with her, who still does most of the work before during & after? A separate vacation or an all-ladies’ vacation is not a bad idea. Lots of people do it.
I agree with you Ellie! We all have different interests, but I think it is important to learn about our spouse’s interests. It is funny that a lot of times we will end up enjoying those things later. The more time you spend together, the more you tend to enjoy the same things.
As someone who has been happily married for almost thirty years, my advice is to treat each other with respect and love. Give each other permission to be human (don’t expect them to be perfect). Forgive quickly. Listen to each other and talk about the little things. Look into each other’s eyes and give each other those special smiles and winks. Flirt with your spouse! If you always treat your spouse as the most important person in your life and he treats you that way in return, you will have a long, happy marriage.
My mother-in-law loves to travel, but my father-in-law does not, so my MIL goes on annual vacations with her sisters, and they’re celebrating 50 years of marriage this summer! It’s a nice example to my husband and me that time apart can be a healthy part of a marriage. I find spending time apart helps me to really appreciate the time we spend together. I’d much rather do some hobbies alone than feel like my husband isn’t having a good time.
Great topic and advice. We all need to be reminded to put God and others before ourselves. Our selfish nature forgets to do this. Baby Handsome is getting so big!
Yes he is! We’re on the lookout for his first smiles. Hoping to see some soon!
Ellie
i could not hear your blog (adblocker maybe?) hope you dont mind my input without actually hearing your blog and just based on the comments
we met in college (had 2 classes together) and were from completely different ‘backgrounds’. “because” we fell in love, we purposely tried to get involved with the things the other liked. he was an excellent tennis player, so he taught me how to play so we could do it together. golf, not so much. i find it frustrating so he would play a round with friends instead of me because i didnt enjoy it. lol, i didnt mind driving around in the cart so sometimes just the 2 of us would go, or i’d be the groups caddy. after all, being able to spend time with each other was what was really important. and if he was having fun, good! we had different tastes about a lot of things. he had no problem taking me to see ‘the nutcracker’ in the park at christmas even though the ballet wasnt his thing. and when i was uncomfortable sitting with the wives & the kids (after just finding out i couldnt have any) when my husband played softball, he taught me to be their statistician. i learned the game and learned to love it both! surprised me! he loved card shows for the baseball cards and since i only like the red sox, he got me into basketball cards! same shows, different things, but still doing it together
they say you dont really know someone until you live with them and that is sooo true!! oh man, just doing clothes! my mom had different hampers for dark, light, bleach and towels so that’s what i knew. the orphanage he lived in didnt do it that way. everything was thrown in together and sorted later. even folding towels was different, lol! one thing my dad told me when i got engaged, was, to remember that my fiance would be rather set in his ways since being orphaned somewhat young and then on his own from 17. so being able to compromise was going to be very important in our marriage because he hasnt had to compromise with anyone at all. i dont know if my being made more aware of it or not made any difference, but you know what? nothing was ever really that big a deal to bicker about, or have a ‘major discussion with’ over how each of us preferred to do something. and he didnt believe it was worth it to be ‘fighting’ over something stupid like hampers lol and i actually enjoy doing laundry so he let me do things my way. (honestly my husband was so much like chad paine its ridiculous!)
each others opinion was always important to each of us
and we did things apart too. i’d join my friends once a month for a girls night where we’d go out to eat & then back to a different persons house each month for dessert and a game night. or my mom & i would spend the day shopping. he bowled in a mens league. we both insisted each other have some time away for themselves or with friends or family, and then looked forward to seeing each other later that night!
being raised so differently actually gave us something to learn about the other and learn to accept our differences!
(hope i’m not wayyyy off track here! if i am, you can delete this)
Nope, you’re not off track at all. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I can totally relate to the laundry thing. My husband and his family throw everything in together, but I like to separate things. I still don’t separate clothing as much as my mom did growing up, though, which she lets me know when she comes to visit. LOL.
Ellie
Very wise Ellie. For the youth of your marriage,very mature. I once heard a priest say marriage is a true missionary project. You are committing to serve and take care of each other. Note: I don’t just think I serve my husband. If anything he is more servant minded towards me. For 35 years he has been the biggest blessing God will ever give me.
Thank you. 🙂 That’s a very true statement that the priest made. Marriage is a great opportunity to display servanthood, but it’s not always easy.
Ellie
I think you and Mr. H have some wise advice. As couples have more children, their lives get busier, for example, taking each child to his/her activities, sports practices and games etc. Families are often headed in different directions to keep up with these schedules. I feel that keeping up with life, and not investing time in one another causes couples to drift apart after many years of marriage. I find it sad to see so many get divorced. Keep investing time in one another!
I think not understanding the other person is more to blame for the divorces than spending time apart doing different activities. It’s QUALITY of time together that counts, not QUANTITY. It’s better to spend a little time together feeling completely happy than spending ALL your time together while someone is feeling miserable or resentful about being forced to do something they don’t care to do. Sharing more hobbies or activities was never the factor that would have kept the divorced couples I know together.
Unfortunately I do know other couples who have divorced and the reason stemmed from not sharing activities together. With one of the couples, the husband attended sports events without his wife who didn’t care for them. While there, he met another lady who enjoyed going to those events. It led to an affair. The original couple divorced, and they married. I don’t think couples need to do everything together but spending a good amount of time with each other is very important. Don’t leave the door open for another person to take your place in the marriage!
Yeah, but if you spend time together to control your partner and check that he/she doesn’t cheat on you, my dear, I think you have a problem.
In the couple you talk about there was already a problem, the husband clearly want’ in love with his wife anymore.
Are you trying to blame the cheating on the wife not liking football?
I’m a bit confused.
I appreciated what you both shared! Thank you! I have five adult children. One is about to get married. The others are all married. How can I share this with my one that is going to be married without seeming like an overbearing mom. I think what you shared is important. Your son is so cute! Keep watching Hallmark and going fishing 😀 do you also like to cook together and Ellie have you learned to paint like your husband?
Our pleasure! You can always tell your child that you thought they would be interested in the video because it comes from another young couple. And yep we do cook together, mostly on weekends. Mr H gave me a painting lesson, but my painting didn’t turn out too great. LOL. So instead of painting alongside him, I take an interest in his art by watching him paint, encouraging him when he feels like a painting isn’t going as well as he had hoped, showing his art to other people, and giving my suggestions when he asks. And when he has art shows, I go with him, help him set up, make business cards, etc. And I really enjoy doing all that because I know it means a lot to him. 🙂
Ellie
And I guess he helps you with your blog from time to time! He takes part in videos, occasionally writes posts… I feel like you really have it down, Ellie. 🙂
I’m not married but I think it’s good to take interest in each other. Not because you’re scared that someone else will take your place, like someone suggested before. If you are at the point where you’re actually scared that your partner may cheat on you, maybe the relationship is already broken.
But it’s good because if you are together it means that you found something special in each other in the first place, and that relationship should be nurtured. It’s taking care of each other, and it’s the best thing in life.
That being said, I don’t think there’s a problem if you also have individual activities. Let’s say you like different sports. It might actually be good to spend a couple of hours every now and then doing our own thing. Sometimes being on your own helps you reflect and realize where you both could do better.
Thanks for sharing. Enjoyed the video.